After a wonderful weekend, yesterday stunk. I had a great and productive morning cleaning. Then, I went grocery shopping. About halfway through, I started to have an anxiety attack. I finished my shopping and drove to my folks’ house. Where I bawled and bawled. Took a Xanax and in 20 minutes felt much more calm, but it pretty much shot my day. I was exhausted and depressed. I thought I had it all figured out. I hadn’t taken a nap. Usually I take a nap in the morning. One or two hours. I know. Wouldn’t we all like that? Last week I had lunch with friends and didn’t have a breakdown at 1:00, but I did have a nap that morning. So, that must have been the problem.
Then this morning, I woke up very depressed. But, I got the kids off to school and sat down tried to talk myself out of it, but ended up bawling again. Then I got worked up because I didn’t have any trigger to explain it away. It wasn’t the right time! I didn’t even have time for a nap! It wasn’t an anxiety attack, it was plain ol’ depression! What’s wrong with me?
I called my doctor’s office and told them that even though I had an appointment on Thursday that I was having a tough time and would like to see him today, if possible. Sure enough, he had an opening. I took a nap, had lunch at my folks’, and headed off with them to see the doctor. Of course, by then I was my usual self. But, it was still fresh enough in my mind to be able to explain what all had happened.
He agreed I shouldn’t still be feeling like this, so he’s going to increase the bipolar medication, but because of the nature of the medication, I can only increase it a little at a time, so it will be another month before I am at my full dose.
Two things entered my mind: “Seriously? Another month?” and “Oh, well, at least we have a plan.” My biggest worry during this time has been that this is as good as it gets. Not that I couldn’t deal with that if it were true. But, it certainly was not what I wanted to hear. God bless that doctor. When I asked him flat out, “Is it going to get better?” He said, “Well, we’d like to have you not having these breakdowns.” YES! So, even though I’m feeling like a burden to my family and had given them a target date of end of January/beginning of February, which has now been extended to middle/end of February, I do know that this is NOT as good as it is going to get. I will have more than just a couple good days in a row.
So, I will need to remember the following Bible verse that was read this morning on Christian radio station Joy 97.7 FM from 2 Corinthians 12:7-10:
7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
When I prayed this morning, I asked God for help. I told Him I did not want Him to remove this disorder, but to help me and those around me understand it more. Plus, I asked Him to help me use it to His glory and benefit.
I do believe that God only gives us what we can handle (with His help, of course), and I used to laugh and say, “I just wish God didn’t think I was so strong!”
Now, I’m just looking for patience. If you have any extra, feel free to throw it my way. However, just about every mom I know needs it too. So, I guess I’ll just take a number…