bipolar mom shares her insights on everyday life

Patience, Shmatience

After a wonderful weekend, yesterday stunk.  I had a great and productive morning cleaning.  Then, I went grocery shopping.  About halfway through, I started to have an anxiety attack.  I finished my shopping and drove to my folks’ house.  Where I bawled and bawled.  Took a Xanax and in 20 minutes felt much more calm, but it pretty much shot my day.  I was exhausted and depressed.  I thought I had it all figured out.  I hadn’t taken a nap.  Usually I take a nap in the morning.  One or two hours.  I know.  Wouldn’t we all like that?  Last week I had lunch with friends and didn’t have a breakdown at 1:00, but I did have a nap that morning.  So, that must have been the problem. 

Then this morning, I woke up very depressed.  But, I got the kids off to school and sat down tried to talk myself out of it, but ended up bawling again.  Then I got worked up because I didn’t have any trigger to explain it away.  It wasn’t the right time!  I didn’t even have time for a nap!  It wasn’t an anxiety attack, it was plain ol’ depression!  What’s wrong with me?

I called my doctor’s office and told them that even though I had an appointment on Thursday that I was having a tough time and would like to see him today, if possible.  Sure enough, he had an opening.  I took a nap, had lunch at my folks’, and headed off with them to see the doctor.  Of course, by then I was my usual self.  But, it was still fresh enough in my mind to be able to explain what all had happened.

He agreed I shouldn’t still be feeling like this, so he’s going to increase the bipolar medication, but because of the nature of the medication, I can only increase it a little at a time, so it will be another month before I am at my full dose.

Two things entered my mind:  “Seriously?  Another month?”  and “Oh, well, at least we have a plan.”  My biggest worry during this time has been that this is as good as it gets.  Not that I couldn’t deal with that if it were true.  But, it certainly was not what I wanted to hear.  God bless that doctor.  When I asked him flat out, “Is it going to get better?”  He said, “Well, we’d like to have you not having these breakdowns.”  YES!  So, even though I’m feeling like a burden to my family and had given them a target date of end of January/beginning of February, which has now been extended to middle/end of February, I do know that this is NOT as good as it is going to get.  I will have more than just a couple good days in a row.

So, I will need to remember the following Bible verse that was read this morning on Christian radio station Joy 97.7 FM from 2 Corinthians 12:7-10: 

7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

When I prayed this morning, I asked God for help.  I told Him I did not want Him to remove this disorder, but to help me and those around me understand it more.  Plus, I asked Him to help me use it to His glory and benefit. 

I do believe that God only gives us what we can handle (with His help, of course), and I used to laugh and say, “I just wish God didn’t think I was so strong!” 

Now, I’m just looking for patience.  If you have any extra, feel free to throw it my way.  However, just about every mom I know needs it too.  So, I guess I’ll just take a number…

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Comments on: "Patience, Shmatience" (3)

  1. Just a reminder about an old legend regarding patience. Each morning a monk would go into his prayers asking for patience, asking that he wouldn’t lose his temper once again. But before he could even finish his breakfast, he would find he was annoyed with the cook, or with the way the prayers were sung or the way everything had been going. Finally, after many days of asking for patience and yet ending each day with just as much frustration, he asked for an answer as to why God wasn’t giving him patience. God said, “I’ve been sending you so many opportunities to practice patience, do you really need more?”
    Also realize that there several fruits of the spirit in the basket. We might need more of one fruit than another but it’s nice to remember that we’re not low on everything. Good luck and God be with you!

  2. Hey, girl-you are very much on the journey to getting better. EXPECT that you’re going to have bad days, and keep remembering the good ones. Look where you were a month ago. Great comment from Steph-so true. Keep calling on Jesus, and, for us ‘bead-mumblers’;), Mary is incredibly powerful. I’d love to take you to a healing mass sometime. Call me anytime.
    Love and prayers,
    KC

  3. Hang in there. I’m so thankful that you have your parents so close. Please continue to ask for help and know you are not alone.

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