bipolar mom shares her insights on everyday life

Archive for the ‘bipolar’ Category

Our Father Knows Best

Lately, for some unknown reason, I’ve been looking back on various times of my life.

Yesterday, my former boyfriends was my thought topic. Some of the memories brought a smile to my face, others…not so much. I started doing the “what if…” game.   “What if I had married “Hercules” instead of Tom?” Every time I would insert a different name, a thousand reasons that Tom was better would come to mind. He’s obviously the best choice.

I only told one person “I love you.” And, yes, that was Tom, obviously. I didn’t realize people said it to more than one person. I just never did. I will still remember the feeling that came over me when Tom told me he loved me. My heart leapt out of my chest. I quickly responded with “I love you too!” and then we both hung up the phone really fast. You see, he was calling me to wish me a Happy New Year when he was living in Virginia, and I was living in Missouri.  We’d never dated. Just wrote letters and made expensive long distance calls. But, I knew then that Tom was THE guy for me.

So, as I reminisced about my past boyfriends, I really did come back to Tom as the winner over all those guys. I don’t regret dating those guys, because each relationship taught me something. (I feel like I have to put that disclaimer there. Some of those guys were really sweet, great guys. Others…(rolling eyes))

See, God had Tom out there for me. I couldn’t imagine any of those other guys dealing with my bipolar disorder with the calmness and love that Tom has. Right now, I have tears in my eyes because I know how very lucky I am. But, it’s not luck. It’s God. He’s got the plan. I just have to follow it. He hasn’t let me down yet.

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Writer’s Block? Not Exactly.

Authors and songwriters talk a lot about writer’s block. Well, just like my anti-anorexia (see blog of May 9, 2008…the link feature isn’t working right now, so you’ll have to go down to the right side of the page here and click on May 2008 archives), I’m having anti-writer’s block.

I have so much I want to write about that my brain is spinning. My fingers can hardly keep up with the thoughts in my head right now.

  • I want to update you on my emotional state
  • I want to tell you about a funny conversation with my psychiatrist
  • I want to relay funny/interesting stories about my latest trip to the loony bin
  • I want to relay funny/interesting stories about my time spent in out-patient therapy
  • I want to write about just regular stuff!

I don’t know what to write first! And, as I get started writing one, then five other things pop into my head.

So, I’m going to write what many of you who read this blog are apparently the most interested in.  My mental health. Maybe just getting this out will allow me to write about more topics tomorrow.

Still a roller coaster. Had a big crash on Wednesday night. Major panic attack, uncontrollable crying, guilt, you know, the usual. (Well, it is beginning to feel like the usual. (sigh))

Talked to the psychiatrist Thursday and we are still “tweaking” the meds. Increase Abilify…maybe the daily crying will stop.  Decrease the Xanax. Maybe I won’t feel like Rip Van Winkle. (I definitely don’t feel like Sleeping Beauty!)

I gotta tell you, now that I’ve been working on this for over a month (and, yes, I know it is a lifetime deal, but I hope you know what I mean), I’m getting a little frustrated AND fed up.

But, hey, Scarlett and Pollyanna, tomorrow is another day!

Maybe 6 Flags Should Hire Me

Good golly this has been some kind of week! One heck of a roller coaster. If 6 Flags hired me, I would be able to design the world’s greatest roller coaster based just on my emotions in the last month. And this last week would make anyone’s stomach flip-flop.  Ugh.

On a scale of 0-10, with 10 being outstanding, my day today is an 11.  I know!  Great news! Earlier in the week, however, I was feeling really good. Almost too good. Doctor said it was hypo-mania. Great. Then, the depression hit on Tuesday night and carried on through Thursday morning.  Blech.

I have a treatment plan that I’m working on, so hopefully, that will help me through the next couple of days. I’m still waiting on the new medication to take effect. That could happen any day now. 

So, imagine you are on this roller coaster. Right now is that freaky curve that you can’t tell where you are going next. It could be an extreme drop (not my first choice) or just a fun hairpin curve.

I’ll let you know. But for now, put those arms up in the air and at least try to enjoy the ride. (and remain seated until the ride comes to a complete stop.)

A Quick Update

I just wanted to give everyone a quick update on my favorite subject:  me.

I checked myself into the mental health facility again. My bipolar disorder was diving quickly.

I stayed from Friday through Wednesday.

I’m home and getting more help through an Intensive Outpatient Program.

I’m feeling better each day, and when I feel emotionally ready to share it all, I’ll come back on and give you all some details. Right now, it’s just too fresh. 

But, I’m really glad to be home.

No Such Thing

In my opinion, there is no such thing as “coincidences.” They are “God sightings.”

This was proven to me yesterday.

I’ve had a few crummy days. The bipolar has reared its ugly head. No idea what is bringing it on. Could be stress, but there’s really not that much.

I had my weekly Bible study yesterday. I wasn’t feeling very motivated. Really didn’t even want to get up off the couch. But, I knew that when I don’t feel like I have time for God, that’s when I need Him most. So, I picked my lazy butt off the couch, put on some makeup and took off. Driving there was a chore in itself, but i persevered.

I got to my small group classroom and was asked, “How are you doing?” and the tears started rolling. After another member of our group shared a story behind her prayer request, I decided to share that I have bipolar disorder. The tears came again. Everyone was so supportive. But, here’s the God sighting. One of the women in the group said, “Michelle, there is a bipolar support group here at this church that meets once a week. If you’d like I can introduce you to John who runs it.” What are the odds that this woman was in my group? And this week, no less. She was gone last week and will be gone next week!

Another group member came up to me and said, “You’ll really like John.”

After the Bible study was over the member took me to meet John, and it was amazing. Their Bipolar support group meets once a week, and that created such a light in the tunnel for me. I know my parents and husband want to help. I know my psychiatrist and therapist want to help. But, none of them have actually been where I am. It’s so hard to explain what I’m feeling; what I’m going through. Now, I’ll get to talk to people that do. People that know what it’s like to want to get even just a part-time job, but know that we can’t be relied on to actually show up every time. People that have people to support them, but feeling badly that you are “playing the bipolar card again.” People that know what it’s like to keep trying new medications, but are worried about the effects they will have on you. That it could actually get worse, because it has in the past.

I know I’m very fortunate to not have this disorder to the extent that others do. I’m rarely in the “why me” mode. Honestly, I just don’t have the energy to feel that way.

So, next Tuesday night is the next meeting…I think I can…I think I can…

Zzzzzz’s? OH YEAH!

The alarm went off at 6 am.  I got out of bed to wake up Mark. As I came back into the bedroom I said, “THIS is how it feels to get a good night’s sleep!”  I actually felt refreshed!  Rejuvenated!  Revitalized!  What a wonderful feeling.  And, what a difference one night makes.

All morning long, I was filled with energy!  Mark ran in his second cross country meet, and ROCKED!  He medaled and beat his personal record by 2 minutes!  (Please note the use of exclamation points.  They are how I felt at the time.  AND FEEL NOW!  Woooooooo!)

We didn’t get home until 1:30, but it didn’t matter.  I didn’t fall asleep once on the ride there or home. Karen was practically begging me to not make her audition for show choir tomorrow, but I didn’t lose my cool.  Nope.  I didn’t go off into my room because I couldn’t handle it.  These are things that would have happened last week without sleep.  With sleep, I was gentle, but firm.  I suggested she call her friend that was in show choir with her last year and ask her which audition time she would be attending, and told her that maybe talking to her friend might make her more excited and less nervous. 

I hope you are sitting down for this next part…Karen actually came into the room and said, “Mom, I just wanted you to know that you were right. I talked to Katherine and now I’m kind of excited about tomorrow.”  Yes.  You read that right.  Without any coaxing or “I told you so’s” exiting my mouth, this child said those actual words to me.

Yes, today is a WONDERFUL day! Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. They worked!

ZZzzzzzzzzzzz’s Update

Sleep study went well, I guess.  Still didn’t sleep quite right, but the doctor called and said that they seemed to have found a pressure that will work for my CPAP.  It looks like I’ll have to wait until tomorrow to get that reprogrammed, but I’m trying to look on the bright side, and see that tomorrow night I’ll get some GOOD sleep!

I’m bummed because I had to cancel dinner plans with my sisters-in-law for tonight.  I could have really used that girl-time.  But, it’s not worth having an accident because I fell asleep behind the wheel.  😦

Hey.  It could be worse.  I’m very thankful for that.  🙂

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